Billy here, Elf on the Shelf.
I hijacked the hot mess’s computer because I just can’t take it anymore. So put your glue guns down, shut down your frantic Pinterest searching and gather round.
I’m just going to come right out with it…
What exactly are you all doing? Have you forgotten what we are? Have you lost your damn minds?
We are ELVES on SHELVES! Not Elves having tea parties with Barbie, Elves fishing in toilets for goldfish, Elves toilet papering the whole house or Elves running a zoo in the living room. We do not craft all night and day! Let me remind you… we are Elves on Shelves!
It’s getting pretty chaotic and insane now that so many of you are one-upping each other with your craftiness and creativity. I mean, come on! Why are you making this so challenging?
This is a good gig we have. According to our contract with the big guy, (Yo! What’s up Santa! – I LOVE youuuuu Big Guy!), all we have to do is sit around silently, use our crazy eyes to watch the little buggers in action and report back to Santa on who’s been good and who’s been naughty.
I mean, really, it is a sweet gig and I think many of you are screwing it up. You’re raising the bar (nightly I might add) and it’s getting OUT OF CONTROL! Might I remind you that once it’s time to renegotiate our contracts in January, I think you’re all going to regret how ambitious you’ve become these past few years.
I, for one, am really happy I came upon this house. From what I can gather, I barely even have to do my job and they think I am a damn Superhero. This poor mom loves her kids to death and from what I can gather on her blog that I just hijacked, is dealing with a shit storm, but needless to say, she loves that I keep it plain and simple and keep to my job.
Hell, I didn’t even show up until after the family put up the Christmas tree and the hot mess was all “Don’t worry boys, the Elves show up after the tree goes up and they know you’re going to be home for the holidays!” I move every two to three days and they all seem rather content with my motivation to please. I sit where my crazy eyes can see everything, and while my legs and ass are getting kind of dirty because the mom doesn’t dust very well, I am getting the job done. (Thank You Very Much!)
A boy in my house left me cheese and crackers because a school friend told him I’d leave bells after I ate. I HAVE NO BELLS! It’s not required of me in our contract! So the mom and I had to have a discussion about expectations again. Good thing she’s such a hot mess because she was all over the “let’s just sit on the shelf and I’ll move every other day or so”.
While I did appreciate the cheese and cracker, I’m grateful the mom and I are finally on the same page. I hate to disappoint the kids and am glad that when she told the kiddos that I had probably forgotten my bells and didn’t want to run off to the North Pole and miss anything going on in the house, that they were pleased with her response. Good job mom, you hot mess!
So, Elves here’s the thing… If you’re going to go off and get all crafty and perfect in your houses, keep it to yourself. These kids keep coming home talking about families that have FIVE elves – one for each kiddo! In the name of all things holiday, WHY???? Or the kids who talk in the carpool line about how their Elves have all this magic power and can re-arrange furniture and make meals… you’re making me and the rest of us Elves who just sit on shelves (doing our jobs) look really bad.
I mean, I feel really bad for this mom here. She can barely keep up with the pile of laundry on the dining room table and with that sick baby; she hasn’t slept in about a week. From what I can tell, she hasn’t showered since Sunday and it’s beginning to look like a season of Survivor around here. Hell, she thinks if I move my head I’m a damn super star.
I beg all you overachieving Elves to please stop spreading the news of your awesomeness. Leave a little note for those sweet little children you keep entertaining that all your awesomeness is just between you! Leave the rest of us, lazy and uninspired contract following Elves to our Shelves.
My crazy eyes and I are working our magic just fine with this family and Santa is going to get the standard report per our contract. Leave Barbie and all those zoo animals to play by themselves, unplug the glue gun, put the fishing pole down and pack away your costumes. Give these moms a break and sit your asses on a shelf for a few days. You might finally discover what you’re missing out on.
Gotta run and get back to my shelf.