Billy here, Elf on the Shelf.
I hijacked the hot mess’s computer because I just can’t take it anymore. So put your glue guns down, shut down your frantic Pinterest searching and gather round.
I’m just going to come right out with it…
What exactly are you all doing? Have you forgotten what we are? Have you lost your damn minds?
We are ELVES on SHELVES! Not Elves having tea parties with Barbie, Elves fishing in toilets for goldfish, Elves toilet papering the whole house or Elves running a zoo in the living room. We do not craft all night and day! Let me remind you… we are Elves on Shelves!
It’s getting pretty chaotic and insane now that so many of you are one-upping each other with your craftiness and creativity. I mean, come on! Why are you making this so challenging?
This is a good gig we have. According to our contract with the big guy, (Yo! What’s up Santa! – I LOVE youuuuu Big Guy!), all we have to do is sit around silently, use our crazy eyes to watch the little buggers in action and report back to Santa on who’s been good and who’s been naughty.
I mean, really, it is a sweet gig and I think many of you are screwing it up. You’re raising the bar (nightly I might add) and it’s getting OUT OF CONTROL! Might I remind you that once it’s time to renegotiate our contracts in January, I think you’re all going to regret how ambitious you’ve become these past few years.
I, for one, am really happy I came upon this house. From what I can gather, I barely even have to do my job and they think I am a damn Superhero. This poor mom loves her kids to death and from what I can gather on her blog that I just hijacked, is dealing with a shit storm, but needless to say, she loves that I keep it plain and simple and keep to my job.
Hell, I didn’t even show up until after the family put up the Christmas tree and the hot mess was all “Don’t worry boys, the Elves show up after the tree goes up and they know you’re going to be home for the holidays!” I move every two to three days and they all seem rather content with my motivation to please. I sit where my crazy eyes can see everything, and while my legs and ass are getting kind of dirty because the mom doesn’t dust very well, I am getting the job done. (Thank You Very Much!)
A boy in my house left me cheese and crackers because a school friend told him I’d leave bells after I ate. I HAVE NO BELLS! It’s not required of me in our contract! So the mom and I had to have a discussion about expectations again. Good thing she’s such a hot mess because she was all over the “let’s just sit on the shelf and I’ll move every other day or so”.
While I did appreciate the cheese and cracker, I’m grateful the mom and I are finally on the same page. I hate to disappoint the kids and am glad that when she told the kiddos that I had probably forgotten my bells and didn’t want to run off to the North Pole and miss anything going on in the house, that they were pleased with her response. Good job mom, you hot mess!
So, Elves here’s the thing… If you’re going to go off and get all crafty and perfect in your houses, keep it to yourself. These kids keep coming home talking about families that have FIVE elves – one for each kiddo! In the name of all things holiday, WHY???? Or the kids who talk in the carpool line about how their Elves have all this magic power and can re-arrange furniture and make meals… you’re making me and the rest of us Elves who just sit on shelves (doing our jobs) look really bad.
I mean, I feel really bad for this mom here. She can barely keep up with the pile of laundry on the dining room table and with that sick baby; she hasn’t slept in about a week. From what I can tell, she hasn’t showered since Sunday and it’s beginning to look like a season of Survivor around here. Hell, she thinks if I move my head I’m a damn super star.
I beg all you overachieving Elves to please stop spreading the news of your awesomeness. Leave a little note for those sweet little children you keep entertaining that all your awesomeness is just between you! Leave the rest of us, lazy and uninspired contract following Elves to our Shelves.
My crazy eyes and I are working our magic just fine with this family and Santa is going to get the standard report per our contract. Leave Barbie and all those zoo animals to play by themselves, unplug the glue gun, put the fishing pole down and pack away your costumes. Give these moms a break and sit your asses on a shelf for a few days. You might finally discover what you’re missing out on.
Gotta run and get back to my shelf.
This is probably the best post I have seen all day, and I concur whole-heartedly. Thanks for making my day!
Thrilled Billy and his post could make your day! Enjoy the remainder of your week and thanks for reading!
Billy says thanks!
Very nice Billy..
Your blog is very good.Brilliant Job..
Thank you! We love our Billy!
Reblogged this on Oyia Brown.
haha, nice read! now i’m off to the shelf to prepare the elves!
Happy Holidays and thanks for reading!
Reblogged this on Ed's Official Blog.
Pingback: Rebloged: Calling All Elves: Get Off Pinterest and Gather ‘Round! « kindism
Thanks from coming off your shelf to post this! It was quite funny.
You are very welcome!
HAHAHA, OMG, I thought I was the only one that felt this way about the elf on the shelf. I wrote a post about it too!! I’m glad we share the same sentiment about our little friends.
You are not alone!! Thanks for reading and glad you enjoyed.
brilliant billy. just brilliant.
Reblogged this on Becca's Basic Blog and commented:
haha made me laugh a little…..almost that time=)
Glad we could provide a laugh!
I really like your blog and would love you to feature on mine, http://www.5thingstodotoday.com. All you have to do is write five suggestions along with a link back to your site. Please check out the blog and see the sort of things people have written about.
Elves on a shelf a creepy in general. I’ve heard it really works for kids though. Any examples of this pinterest craziness?
Plenty of examples.. just go to pinterest.com and search!
Haha <3. Glad Raj our elf is lazy too. Or excuse me…just doing his job.
Raj and Billy should hang out! Thanks for reading and Happy Holidays!
They are already hanging out, you just didn’t know about it.
Bottle it and make a fortune. Great stuff.
Thank you! So glad you enjoyed the post.
Love the elf on a shelf thing Billy, you guys weren’t around when santa came to me, and I know I was a DEMON. Thankfully the kids I babysit for have an elf so he helps me keep things in check ALL YEAR ‘ROUND. (I know I know, above and beyond but it helps with bedtimes 😉 ) Good luck at Christmas, and I hope santa brings that poor mom something, she sounds like she deserves it 😉
Merry Christmas to you and thanks for reading! I sure hope Santa is good to that Hot Mess and you too!
Hilarious! I can soooooo relate to that Mom Billy!!!
So glad you got a good laugh. Happy Holidays!
I have to also say that after your post and my girlfriends
posts I saw the cutest little chocolate Elf at the store. I fell into a giggle and purchased him! He sat still, on the mantle for a week and the boys enjoyed him. 😉
Hahaha. People are getting nuts, it’s true.
Oh, yes indeed. People are very nuts! Thanks for reading and cheers to you!
Reblogged this on comedy is scientific and commented:
Reblogged this on travelsintothebizarre and commented:
Highly entertaining, I swore that’s all they were supposed to do too.
I guess some Elves needed to be reminded! Thanks for following along.
Fantastic! I literally laughed out loud! http://mccrackenlove.wordpress.com/
So glad you enjoyed! Thanks for reading.
Reblogged this on email@example.com.
Hi Billy, it’s Bimmy here. I’m Miss E and Miss Z’s elf. I have banned my hot mess from going on pinterest because she has put me in the fridge and another time covered my in hair clips. Now she is sick to the back teeth of Miss Z and her ever growing expectations about our job description. Read the freakin’ book pinterest people. Anyway my hot mess is going to read the book to Miss E and Z once again and get her house back in order so I can sit on the shelf and get dusty like you. Yo Mumma knows what she is talkin’ about. Peace.
Bimmy… You go tell your hot mess how this is supposed to run and enjoy your stay on the shelf! Merry Christmas too!
Rest up. We have Giants – Falcons tomorrow afternoon and Patriots – 49ers tomorrow night.
Thanks, I’m looking forward to it!
It’s people like billy who make me want to blog!!!
Blog away and Billy is happy he inspired you!
ha ha lol!!!
Happy you got a laugh!
Billy sounds like he’s got his crap together! And congratulations on being Freshly Pressed!
Thank you! Billy does have it all together and we are most proud! Thanks for reading!
This post is just simply amazing! And, Mr. Elf! You are supposed to be watching out for naughty boys and girls and apparently all of these other Elf on the Shelf guys are being naughty themselves!
Thank you! We are proud of our Billy!
You have voiced exactly what I have been thinking for some time now! Thank you! 😉
You are so welcome! Thank you for reading.
I had to pass your link on to my daughter and her bestie, whom I consider my other daughter. They both have elves that board at their homes through the Christmas season… one each 😉 two kids each. Last year, my daughter was going through chemo because of lymphoma and I stayed with her for several months. Mr Doodles usually moved at about 6ish in the morning, due to the fact, cancer and sickness was a priority. Just wanted to say, I totally loved your post and your humor; I pray that God will heal your “piece of shit”! Thank you for your attitude, my daughter had the same.You both are to be admired for everything you deal with through the day, without having to worry about what the elf is supposed to be doing. Rock on!
So glad you shared the post and I am also thrilled to hear your daughter is doing well. I appreciate your support and of course Billy appreciates the love as well! Merry Christmas to you and yours!
I pray you are feeling well. My best friend had a brain tumor, and an operation a couple of years ago. You and my daughter bring smiles to my face and my heart. I know how hard it is, just raising kids without having illness. I am so glad to meet you! You made me laugh in a day that I have not found much to laugh about. I remember Mr. Doodles… he was a rascal. LOL I pray that you both will be blessed with health as good as ever!
Laughter is often the best medicine. I am stable and we pray as well that my good health continues for as long as possible. In the meantime, we are here living life to the fullest and doing far too much laundry. All the best.
Can I respond privately to you?
I just sent you a message via email.
My elf and your elf definitely came from the same Santa. He does nothing but perch on his shelve or mantle or wherever I can sit him and he will remain upright, because well, the elf manufacturing joint did a little skimping on the stuffing. He does move occasionally after his trip from the North Pole, but I thought the whole point of the elf was to trick your children into behaving not teaching them to misbehave! Great post!
Thank you! I’ll have to let Billy know that he has a long lost brother out there! Cheers to you and Merry Christmas!
Hehehehe! Well said! (We don’t have an elf on the shelf because I’m scared of them)
Glad you got a laugh! Thanks for reading and happy holidays!
Oh my gosh! I love this. I don’t have kids myself, nor do I have an elf on a shelf. But this is amazing. My friends who have children post almost daily the crazyness that their elfs get into. It’s nice to know there is at least one elf that is not going crazy every time the lights go out. Thank you for this post Billy, I am sure the mom of that house loves you dearly for behaving.
Thrilled to hear that Billy made such an impression. Yes, we do appreciate and love how he behaves and stays on his shelf.
LOL – what a great read. Just what I needed today 🙂
Glad Billy made you smile.
The whole Elf on a Shelf thing had me confused for a while and then I started seeing wild pictures of this elf in weird places. Sounds pretty interesting, haha. Great post, thanks for sharing and congrats on being Freshly Pressed!
Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it and I’ll be sure to let Billy know that he made people laugh and smile.
I don’t understand what all this hype about Pinterest is. Do you understand?
Billy doesn’t understand either!
Ah, finally! I don’t get it either!!!! The last thing I need is another place to accumulate clutter- even virtually!!
This is beautiful.
Thank you! Much appreciated and thanks for reading.
Not having kids yet, I had no idea that these elves were a thing. I saw them in the store and thought, “Geez, another marketing scam to buy more *#$”… and then started seeing friends on facebook with them. Who knew! I am glad yours just sits around and if I ever am pressured into getting one, I want one like that!!!! This post actually made them sound much more tolerable than the pinteresty stuff I’ve witnessed on FB… Happy holidays to you and your family, and I hope you find enough time to relax and enjoy each other a ton these next few weeks!
Thanks Dani! Billy would be happy to make recommendations for an Elf that matches his work ethic when you’re ready to welcome an Elf into your home. 🙂 Happy Holidays to you as well and cheers to you!
Crap! I gotta go move that damned elf again!
That’s what I said this morning!
Ha!! When I first saw the title to this post and all the moms thanking you on FB for it, I thought “Not another F’ing elf story/picture/vignette”…I have already “hidden” too many friends for their incessant elf nonsense. Thanks for keeping it real. I love your perspective.
Greatest compliment. Thank You!!!!
And this is why “I freakin’ love you!” Cheers to a dirty butt from sitting on dusty shelves and I just realized our elf turns her head!
Billy is feeling the love!! (So am I!)
oh Jen…i love this! yep, totally guilty of elfapalloza! i’m not the skinny mom, the best dressed mom or the most organized mom. i am known as the crafty mom. and this time of year…enter elf…game on! thoughts go through my mind…i try to one up myself too much. so, i hear you, but have to say…my hot glue gun sticks are waiting for me in their jumbo tub. off to ignore my own reality for a bit…going to elfland…and enjoying it so much…with a glass of wine in hand! ha! love you girl!!!!xo!
Love you too!!! Billy just can’t keep up around here, but I personally love your energy and creativity! Keep it going girl.. It’s about what makes you happy and balanced.
Well said Billy you have a friend in west Hartford who signed the same contract!!
Billy appreciates the WeHa love!
I feel a sense of relief to just STOP the madness. Thank you for the permission to just leave him on that wonderful, boring, all-seeing shelf.
So happy Billy could provide some help! Yes, he feels strongly that the shelf is where they are most happy! Cheers to you and happy holidays!
Thank you Billy!
Roodle, you are so welcome! We must stick together and stay on the Shelf! Peace Out!
That was a great post! You did forget to mention the purpose of an Elf on a Shelf and how the elves are to report bad behavior in children back to Santa. I don’t think elves who do body shots off Barbie’s belly button, toilet paper rooms, fish in toilets, get drunk with Barbie and Ken, and wrap Barbie victims in plastic like Dexter are appropriate for children who want or need to behave.
Thank you Christy, I’ll pass your kind words onto Billy. Thanks for following along.
Touche! Well said Hot Mess!
….I mean Billy 🙂
this is hysterical! Nice job.
Billy says thank you!
Ok, I always thought that I would be like that as well I not making a mess to clean it up, etc …. But to see my 7 and 5 yr who wake up at 6 am ( month of Dec only) to see where he is is awesome. I am very conserative of gifts at Charistmas ( we r very lcky) and remind them of the victims of Sandy AMD the military. The elf is one of the things that will not last and that they love. So I do make effort for this…
Thanks for sharing and it sounds like you all have a wonderful tradition and the kids are loving it. We all hope you enjoy a wonderful Christmas. I love how you reinforce the message of thinking and doing for those in need. We do the same with our children and I believe it does make an impact. Cheers! Billy says howdy too!