Calling All Elves: Get Off Pinterest and Gather ‘Round!

Billy here, Elf on the Shelf.

I hijacked the hot mess’s computer because I just can’t take it anymore. So put your glue guns down, shut down your frantic Pinterest searching and gather round.

I’m just going to come right out with it…

What exactly are you all doing? Have you forgotten what we are? Have you lost your damn minds?

We are ELVES on SHELVES! Not Elves having tea parties with Barbie, Elves fishing in toilets for goldfish, Elves toilet papering the whole house or Elves running a zoo in the living room. We do not craft all night and day! Let me remind you… we are Elves on Shelves!

It’s getting pretty chaotic and insane now that so many of you are one-upping each other with your craftiness and creativity. I mean, come on! Why are you making this so challenging?

This is a good gig we have. According to our contract with the big guy, (Yo! What’s up Santa! – I LOVE youuuuu Big Guy!), all we have to do is sit around silently, use our crazy eyes to watch the little buggers in action and report back to Santa on who’s been good and who’s been naughty.

I mean, really, it is a sweet gig and I think many of you are screwing it up. You’re raising the bar (nightly I might add) and it’s getting OUT OF CONTROL!  Might I remind you that once it’s time to renegotiate our contracts in January, I think you’re all going to regret how ambitious you’ve become these past few years.

I, for one, am really happy I came upon this house. From what I can gather, I barely even have to do my job and they think I am a damn Superhero. This poor mom loves her kids to death and from what I can gather on her blog that I just hijacked, is dealing with a shit storm, but needless to say, she loves that I keep it plain and simple and keep to my job.

Hell, I didn’t even show up until after the family put up the Christmas tree and the hot mess was all “Don’t worry boys, the Elves show up after the tree goes up and they know you’re going to be home for the holidays!” I move every two to three days and they all seem rather content with my motivation to please. I sit where my crazy eyes can see everything, and while my legs and ass are getting kind of dirty because the mom doesn’t dust very well, I am getting the job done. (Thank You Very Much!)

A boy in my house left me cheese and crackers because a school friend told him I’d leave bells after I ate. I HAVE NO BELLS! It’s not required of me in our contract! So the mom and I had to have a discussion about expectations again. Good thing she’s such a hot mess because she was all over the “let’s just sit on the shelf and I’ll move every other day or so”.

While I did appreciate the cheese and cracker, I’m grateful the mom and I are finally on the same page. I hate to disappoint the kids and am glad that when she told the kiddos that I had probably forgotten my bells and didn’t want to run off to the North Pole and miss anything going on in the house, that they were pleased with her response. Good job mom, you hot mess!

So, Elves here’s the thing…  If you’re going to go off and get all crafty and perfect in your houses, keep it to yourself. These kids keep coming home talking about families that have FIVE elves – one for each kiddo! In the name of all things holiday, WHY???? Or the kids who talk in the carpool line about how their Elves have all this magic power and can re-arrange furniture and make meals… you’re making me and the rest of us Elves who just sit on shelves (doing our jobs) look really bad.

I mean, I feel really bad for this mom here. She can barely keep up with the pile of laundry on the dining room table and with that sick baby; she hasn’t slept in about a week. From what I can tell, she hasn’t showered since Sunday and it’s beginning to look like a season of Survivor around here. Hell, she thinks if I move my head I’m a damn super star.

I beg all you overachieving Elves to please stop spreading the news of your awesomeness. Leave a little note for those sweet little children you keep entertaining that all your awesomeness is just between you! Leave the rest of us, lazy and uninspired contract following Elves to our Shelves.

My crazy eyes and I are working our magic just fine with this family and Santa is going to get the standard report per our contract. Leave Barbie and all those zoo animals to play by themselves, unplug the glue gun, put the fishing pole down and pack away your costumes. Give these moms a break and sit your asses on a shelf for a few days. You might finally discover what you’re missing out on.

Gotta run and get back to my shelf.

Peace out.


Billy (1 of 1)

132 thoughts on “Calling All Elves: Get Off Pinterest and Gather ‘Round!

  1. Thank You For This! I Am Not Crafty At All, I Love All The Christmas Traditions Though. The Kids Look forward To The Elf Coming Every Year. They Are Completely Happy (8&6) With Waking Up And Just Finding Their Elf Hiding. Yes He Gets Kinda Dirty On The High Shelves. We Told Our Kids Last Year That Only Naughty Elves Pull All Those Crazy Pranks! They Are Pleased Ours Is A Good Boy! It Does Make It Hard Though When They Come Home With Crazy Stories About Others Elves. I Can Only Imagine What It’s Like For The Kids That Don’t Have An Elf.

  2. H -E-doublehockeysticks YES! Charlie, our elf, sometimes picks precarious places to sit……but he just sits. Sometimes he sits with another toy, and he did play poker once, but mostly he sits. If course my kids are 12 & 14 now…….so his gig may be up soon…….. and multiple elves? No. But, there are two boxes stored away, with Charlie’s doppplgangers that they’ll receive when they are older to start this craziness with their own kids. Hopefully this elves will be like Charlie and Your Billy. 😉

  3. I love our elf tradition and don’t feel like it is actually work but a fun tradition my kids enjoy and will carry on someday. I grew up with little household traditions so I am pretty big on creating them for my own family now. It is rach parents choice to do as they please but bashing each other because of their elves activities is just another case of mom judging and bashing that we see all day long and it stinks.

  4. Pingback: Elf On A Shelf « Sherry's Space

  5. I am 9 years old and last year my Mom got me an Elf on the Shelf. She has to read this because that is exactly how she feels. Our Elf didn’t show up this year because it is too much work involved. It was fun to be creative the first year, but now the stress of what to do next is too hard….she said game over. Maybe if our Elf just sat on the shelf he would be able to come back more often. lol
    Love your site! You can follow me at

    • Well, my little 9 yr old… you are rather wise. I hope Santa was good to you and that your Elf there did end up sitting himself on that shelf! Happy New Year!

  6. I love it! The whole Elf on a shelf thing baffles me and then to add all of this craziness in which the elf takes part in. Are you people MAD? Why are you creating more work for yourself then you already have at an already hectic time of year. I love the idea of keeping the elf on the shelf. Way to go Billy

    • Again, I must say AMEN! Thank you for you reading and for your comment. Billy (I) appreciate your support! Cheers and I hope you and yours enjoyed a joyous Christmas and New Year!

  7. We have a Elf and he moves around the room and thats it. I can’t see spending time making messes that i am just going to have to clean up. I spend so much time telling my kids not to make a mess anyway this seems like a step backward.

        • I’m a bit late on joining the disissucon (I just found your blog!) but the whole Elf on the Shelf totally freaks me out. For some reason, I think it is an unbelievably creepy Christmas tradition.There is just something that freaks me out about a doll that hides in different places in your house and watches everything you do. Am I crazy or does that seem like the plot of a bad horror film?

      • Elf on the shelf is a fad created by clveer marketers, not a tradition. It is just one more excuse to take God out of Christmas and focus on materialism.But then I also don’t believe in perpetuating the Santa myth, which I consider lying to my kids. It kind of devalues any kind of teaching of faith if you are telling your kids in one ear that they should believe in God even though they can’t see him, and in another they should believe in Santa. When they learn that you were making Santa up, what is to keep them from feeling the same way about God? My husband thinks I am worse than the grinch but I cannot conscience lying to my daughter in the guise of a Christmas tradition. There are other ways to bring holiday joy.

      • Hi! I really enjoyed reading your blog and the article in the paper. I am a student, full time mom and wife and I am really inspired by your story. Thank you for having the guts to write so openly about what most of us busy moms are too embarrassed to say. Have a great day.

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