I could feel it coming on; the physical reckoning and the acute awareness that I really couldn’t take much more. The good days between Chemotherapy cycles were diminishing and the ability to maintain energy for consecutive days was proving to be difficult. Nausea and vomiting was increasingly difficult to control and eventually only managed with a last resort medication (Olanzapine – FDA approved for Chemo Nausea) that should really just be named “Whale Tranquilizer”.
Unable to keep anything down, dehydrated and crawling to the safe in our bedroom to retrieve the “whale tranquilizer”, I had reached a point where I could barely take care of myself, let alone my family, and sedated in bed was no longer acceptable.
I have preached for years that quality time was more valuable than the quantity of time and I feel confident I have managed to put up a good fight enduring 6 weeks of Proton Radiation, 9 months and two days of Chemo and surrendering the majority of my time since December 2018 to Cancer.
On September 24, two days into my 5 day chemo cycle, I said “I can’t”, quit and acknowledged that I had reached my breaking point. I needed to allow my body to heal; to recover my immune system, give my platelets a chance to rebound and my psyche an opportunity to step away from drowning in everything cancer.
I said I can’t and I chose me. I chose my children and I chose Paul. I chose quality in the face of an unknown amount of quantity of time. It is a decision that feels as fiercely empowering as it is terrifying.
There is no official timeline for my “No for Now, Not for Always Chemo timeout”. Scans and monitoring the tumor will shed light and force our hands as we move forward. Some days I’m a little more scared than others; however I know deep in my soul that I have made a decision that is best for now.
I feel stronger today. I no longer have a calendar overflowing with medical appointments, I am sleeping better and my energy is coming back.
Thank you for supporting us and continuing to walk this path alongside us. We are grateful.