I will be honest here. It’s what I have committed to do in my writing and it’s been honesty that has somehow always served to heal.
This is a lonely journey and it has been lonely for the past six years. The brain tumor, the piece of shit, the cancer, and the disease… all of it has taken a toll and that doesn’t even begin to account for the rest of life’s chaos.
It’s been a lonely and often emotionally painful patient journey. I have not always responded gracefully to the chaos of what this journey has brought into our lives nor to the rest of the chaos life has thrown at us.
It has been a challenging year for our family and I fled. I fled to the solitude that feeds my introverted soul. I quietly took steps backwards, away from friends, away from a social life, dug into my own shelter and few noticed.
I have an amazing assortment of friends locally and around the world.
Many of my friends, aside from being connected to me, have little connection to each other. As I was slowly engulfed in trying not to drown in the shit and chaos of our life, I capitalized on how disconnected my group of friends are.
With few connected friends to notice, it became really easy to pull away. It was brilliant on my part. Except for the fact that when you pull away, attempt to survive on your own, don’t ask for help and retreat, few friendships remain intact to salvage when you peek your head out of your shelter.
I chose flight rather than fight this year.
I was selfish and in many respects and I was a coward. I lost the battle, but I’m still fighting the war. I wasn’t depressed; just surviving, barely treading water and determined to get us through on my own terms.
It was easier to sit alone rather than pick up the phone and make plans. It was easier to survive, go through the motions and fight alone, than it was to call a friend and make a lunch date. It was easier to heal my family than carve out time for me. I entirely lost sight of me, the importance of staying connected and in the process; I fear that I entirely lost friendships.
I retreated to a place where I put all my love, happiness and energy into repairing the emerging, visible cracks and potholes that this piece of shit has caused in our boys and in our family.
I commanded our family ship of chaos in solitude with reckless abandon. I relished in our joys, wins, frustrations, sadness, laughter and challenges. Sharing little of it with anyone but Paul and as time went by, realized I was steering our ship farther from shore and I discovered myself entrenched in a self imposed shelter.
I am here, we are making progress and we are healing. This is not easy.
I’m hesitantly peeking out of my shelter feeling disconnected from those who I should have never stepped away from as I attempt to right our ship and steer it toward shore.
Be kind and I hope you welcome me back. I could really use a friend.