I resisted and I ignored.
Aside from the label on the back of my license with my diagnosis, doctor’s name, contact info and Paul’s cell, I couldn’t bring myself to bend further and fully embrace the reality of how my life had changed.
I knew the risks and I knew I was stupid. I know anything can happen at anytime and I know the confusion that would come if I were to have a seizure and wasn’t with someone who could speak for me and explain my diagnosis. I understand the limits of my ability to advocate for myself under those circumstances and the limits of my ability to control this piece of shit.
I had to come to terms and accept that while I’m stable and healthy today, I had to act responsibly and prepare.
Meet my newest accessory.
Designed by college friend, sorority sister and designer Larissa Reick of Zolie Designs, Larissa artfully created a fashionable and functional medical ID bracelet with a shout out to my sense of humor. If you need to wear one of these, you might as well wear something that makes you smile and lightens the gravity of your reality.
Upon showing Paul the image of the bracelet before it shipped, he paused, looked at me with curiosity and said, “Is that a skull?” A nod to my sense of humor and simply perfect I told him. He smiled, laughed and said he loved it as he walked away chuckling.
Whether in the shower washing my hair, or running my hands through my hair to pull it into a pony tail, feeling the scar tissue and incisions on my scalp serve as daily reminders of our journey with the piece of shit. It’s taken some getting used to the idea and reality of wearing a medical ID as yet another daily reminder.
Right or wrong, I resisted this visual reminder for fear it would make me feel sick or worse, it would leave me feeling vulnerable and weak. I exist in a tenuous place where I take in my stability and health with long deep breaths with the knowledge of how fragile that existence is.
As much as the decision-making powers the piece of shit has that are out of my control, the mental chess game I play with it daily is very much in my control. What I’d long viewed as a threat to my mental dominance over the piece of shit turns out to be an empowering accessory with a sense of humor.
In-fact, Paul is so taken with the skull and ode to the piece of shit and my sense of humor that I believe a tattoo of said skull may be making a debut on him in the near future. Stay tuned.
Want a design of your very own? Don’t need the medical ID and want your very own skull bracelet to wear in solidarity and double dog dare, middle finger in the air to my piece of shit tumor? You can get one of those too. Reach out to Zolie Designs and Larissa will hook you up.
Zolie Designs can be found here and on Facebook. Aside from the custom piece Larissa designed for me, she has amazing collections available online and in a growing number of brick and mortar stores. Take a peek!