Since the CNN piece aired, I’ve been asked to explain how I found the courage and strength to face all this.
How do you explain something that you’re not even sure your successfully accomplishing?
What I feel and believe is that I am working with the cards I was dealt and I’m moving forward. I take life one day at a time, plan for the future and appreciate the present.
I gave myself time to grieve and time to piece my life back together. It has been a process. A long process.
I found courage and strength because I had to and because no one was going to do it for me. I’m honest with myself and I chose acceptance over anger. It was my choice. I’ve taken risks and I relish and rejoice in everything in life that I actually do have control over.
I don’t believe in luck. I believe in reality.
Over time, I’ve created my own life rules and my own expectations. It has taken time.
However, there are times, like now, when I feel anxious, nervous, scared, full of dread, introspective and mentally exhausted. Times like now when I couldn’t feel farther from being courageous or strong. For a period of time every so many months, I feel vulnerable and weak.
We live our lives, our “normal” lives, in a space of time between my MRI’s. An existence we’ve become accustom to and is simply how we operate. As the date on the calendar creeps closer and the weeks turn to days, my heart gets heavy and I struggle to find my courage and my strength.
There are no guarantees and we’re always prepared. Prepared for what we have no control over. We know the risks and we’re comfortable with what is to come. We love our life, but hate what has caused us to prioritize and truly live our lives.
Moments happen in our journey, out of the blue, that bring me to tears, challenge every shred of emotion and leave me grasping for any shred of courage and strength I can hold onto.
Moments like when I drove past two well-dressed elderly women, driving along in a big Oldsmobile with smiles on their faces, heading somewhere together. As I passed, glancing into their window, I thought about my friend Sarah visiting from Tucson and our friendship. The image of these two women was endearing and simultaneously brought a smile to my face and tears to my eyes. I wished for a moment like that to be a part of the story of our friendship and yet I was humbled at the possibility it wont be.
A delicate balance of emotions which can be very hard at times to digest especially when you are questioning where your courage and strength are.
We live our life between MRI’s and we’re very good at it. It’s the finite time leading up to the scans where I struggle and flounder. As magical magnetic adventure 14 is on the calendar for next Friday, bear with me as I reveal my vulnerability and my emotional weakness. This too is a part of the journey. Good, bad or ugly, our journey is filled with it all and embracing and sharing it is who I am.
On a side note… Aside from my expectation of a clean scan Friday, I’d like to know when my magical powers from all this magnetic crap take effect. Am I asking for too much?