GREY MATTER LIFE

I woke up this morning at 4:45am when Tucker closed our bedroom door to make his breakfast. Our Master bedroom is off the main living area/kitchen and it an be loud. While it was Saturday morning, he had a 5:30 bus to meet for a XC meet and a ride picking him up just after 5am. I got up, shuffled my best shuffle and attempted to help him. Sweet and sensitive Tucker quickly insisted I stop and I let him make his food and respected his independence. I grabbed his water from the fridge, a fork and napkin and we headed to the front porch to eat while he waited for his ride.

It is demoralizing to not be able to get your kid to where they need to be because you’re sick. Paul opened the door to check in half asleep and I sent him back to bed for necessary sleep he has had far too little of in the past month.

Tucker ate his creamy pasta breakfast, drank his water and packed the granola bars in his backpack. Even though I know he had everything he needed, because he’s a first born and he always has everything he needs. I told him how proud I am of his commitment to XC, how he has balanced his demanding class schedule and twice a week 6am practices and two a day practices they have – all of which he’s done with never a complaint. The positive attitude he always has and how, over two years, he has steadily improved his times. He knows how vulnerable I am right now. He knows what my cancer recurrence means and he knows more than any 15 year old should know about brain cancer. Yet, I know he is grateful he had the opportunity to address the FDA and meet with congressmen/women and senators and advocate for a cause deeply woven into his life over the past two years.

However, as his mother, sitting on on the front porch before sunrise as the frogs were still loudly croaking, unable to drive him to his bus or find a ride to his meet because of race schedule conflicts it left me feeling heart broken. Loss of independence is not easy. As his ride pulled up, I was blessed that he openly hugged and kissed me as I shuffled behind him down the driveway to collect the Wall Street Journal, say thank you to the boys who picked him up and shuffle back to the front door. It is humbling for everyone, but this is our life right now.

I carried his dishes into the house with the WSJ tucked under my arm. Left it all on the counter and and crawled back into bed for a few minutes until I realized it was Saturday, my entire house was sleeping and getting up, making a few cups of coffee, toasting a bagel and slowly making my way through the WSJ in an attempt to get my brain functioning wasn’t a poor choice. The bonus of watching the sunrise join our silent morning sealed the deal.

Eventually I would set aside the WSJ for my laptop and writing about Friday and post to my blog. A process which again took too damn long and would require me to make edits later today since my brain still cannot operate at a level I expect it to.

As my loves eventually appeared from their beds I threw in the towel and crawled back into my bed until Paul woke me at 1:30 to head to Cooper’s football game.

I am exhausted. The basics of life exhaust me. Reality is coming fast and even processing that reality is exhausting. Tuesday is our day with Neuro-Oncology and Radiation Oncology.

No matter how long or how much you know something is on the horizon, taking in the reality and swallowing it whole is really damn hard. Truth? I’m not sure how we’re getting through it all… it is extraordinarily overwhelming. One day at a time I suppose… because that is simply how we have always digested life; so why digress now? I am just really tired and there is so much more to face to fight and to move past. Today, in the midst of exhaustion, I pray that we will find strength. Faith thus far has yet to fail us, so I look to that as encouragement.

The reality of cancer sucks. Frankly, Reality Sucks. However  much of reality doesn’t suck. Weekends are awesome, long weekends with kids home don’t suck. Naps are awesome as are the thousands of people who are have chosen to stand with us.  Everyone who has brought us food and is signed up to bring us food most definitely does not suck. All those who pray for us and actually mean it, those friends lining up to drive me to radiation and show up don’t suck. So, reality doesn’t suck, it’s cancer that sucks and so do the “friends” who disappear and have no intention to show up; those people suck. I suppose it is all about perspective isn’t it?  Reality is reality… some of it sucks and some of it is beautiful. It all depends on how you view it.