GREY MATTER LIFE

Last night was rough again. Dreams are wild, disconnected from reality and oddly entertaining and so clearly representative of the intensity of my anxiety, stress, exhaustion and healing that is exploding throughout my brain.

It is comforting to wake in the middle of the night with Karen sleeping in the bed across from me. A constant caretaker, teaming with love, commitment, sincerity, love and goodness that is nearly impossible to replicate in another human. Pretty sure there is no other human who worries so openly about even the smallest and seemingly innocent things… yet, the depth of her character is unmatched and I feel for those who spend a lifetime searching for a Karen in their life. She is so tuned into my restlessness, pain and discomfort and able to address my discomfort before I can sufficiently articulate it for myself.

By midnight tonight, I will be taking my last steroid. Seems like a a silly moment to celebrate… however, to be done with a medication I absolutely loath is enough to make me want to bust a dance move in the kitchen. Keppra (anti-seizure) meds will continue as will pain/Valium until I can get myself into a more manageable daily pain management routine. Spent some time researching medical marijuana last night while I couldn’t sleep and have a list of questions for my post op appointment tomorrow in the City. Life certainly evolves and I’ll be damned if I don’t take advantage of any and all medical options!

Tomorrow I will head back into the city and have my post op appointment in clinic and then connect with my dear friend Sara and her son Jackson who flew up yesterday to adventure in the city for his birthday and then chaperone me back to Atlanta tomorrow evening.

Paul and I are so fortunate to have friends willing to extend themselves like Sara, Tony and Jackson have and bring me safely back home. While I can still feel the fierce growl of independence within my soul, I know better than to think traveling back solo from NYC to ATL after a second craniotomy would end with anything other than a news headline of epic proportion. As much as I often subscribe to the mantra “do it for the story”… I’m not that cognitively dysfunctional to risk landing on the evening news cycle!

I feel like I have been gone forever. I miss my kiddos. I miss Paul. I miss my friends. I miss our Sunday Red Zone Football traditions. I miss spending hours in my kitchen cooking meals that bring joy to those I love. I miss my dogs. I miss my house. I miss the walls adorned with art and images that represent the life we’ve created for ourselves over the years and the people we’ve shared it with.

I miss it all and I look forward to reconnecting with life and all that I left behind when I return. While this doesn’t need to be be repeated, I will again say it. Thank you for caring so deeply for my family and me. Until you walk through hell, you cannot know the depth and breadth of comfort that is provided by those who walk with you, hold your hands and simply show up. Thank you.

Love, light and cheers to you all this lovely Sunday. Cheer on your football teams, eat well, smile and laugh a lot. Whatever it takes… slay the day.