Today Is For Me

I’m exhausted today. I’ve done it to myself and have no one else to blame. I created for myself a day full of enough activity, nesting, cleaning, projects and anything I can think of on purpose.  

It’s an introspective day for me and one I’ve been able to completely spend alone thanks to the boys off frolicking at day camp. I’ve given up fighting my emotions and am residing in my shell as a quiet introvert where I am most comfortable today.  

The rest of the world can wait until tomorrow. Today is for me to be alone.   

At this point I’m not sure what I should expect to feel or if I should have expectations at all, so I’m simply going with what feels natural. Hence, settled into my shell today, I’m enjoying my solitude and a day filled with excessive projects to keep my mind busy.  

Four years ago today we began our journey.

The white glowing lesion staring back at me on my MRI film hanging on the wall at the neurosurgeon’s office will always be a vivid memory. The flood of emotions, shock, tears and the entire aftermath are no less raw today than four years ago, but these emotions all exist with greater balance in my life now.  

Time has healed open wounds and time has provided perspective, growth and acceptance.

Within hours of attempting to digest the news four years ago, I honored my friend Kelly and our friendship at her birthday dinner. The world does not stop simply because your life has been assaulted, so I attempt every year to view this date as a celebration of her birthday and what should be a day that represents all that is good and pure. Honestly, although I have the best of intentions to find that tender balance that is June 20th, I am not always successful. One can only push their emotions down so far, so I am accepting that a balance is all I can seek.  

The impact of what this date means for us has been substantial. While I would never change a thing or do I ever wish this never happened, I do mourn the loss of the innocence of our former lives. We’re forging ahead and today is one of those days that I recognize I’ll always emotionally wrestle with and have a love-hate relationship with.  

Cheers to year four of our new life.

Cheers to you my friend Kelly and Happy Birthday.

Cheers to moving forward and cheers to respecting the process of moving along on this journey of ours.

The celebration of life is indeed filled with similes, tears and it is what it is.

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